Who am I…

I’ve lost my motivation to write.

     I sit down in front of a piece of paper for 4 hours. I get comfortable in my seat, rest a pen between my fingers, and stare down at the lines in which I’ll write my thoughts…but nothing comes to mind.

I have so much to say, so many stories to tell, but how do I get all my words down when you were my only motivation to do so?

You were my words. You were the thoughts that spilled through my brain, the ink that leaked onto the pages. You were my hands, guiding the pen across the page.

You made me. You were my motivation to read, the reason behind my smile, the warmth on a cold day, the chills I felt at night. You were my crutch, my reason for getting out of bed every morning.

….You made me into who I was..and now you’re gone.

I’m left as nothing more than an empty shell…confused, lost, unsure of who she is. Where do I go? What am I supposed to do? Who am I? Why should I get out of bed? Why should I eat healthy? Why should I take care of myself?

You made up half of who I was…so with you gone..I’m forced to face myself..and I’m not really sure who I am.

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False Reality

Last night when I laid down to sleep,

I felt your breathe on the back of my neck…

I felt your hands resting on my hips…

I turned around, but to my surprise…

I did not meet your lips.

The air suddenly turned cold as I stared beside me.

I reached out for you to hold, but my arms remained empty…

I closed my eyes as i tried to bring to life your memory

of the day I laid in your arms, and listened to you breathe.

This morning I woke up and felt a kiss on the cheek.

I turned my head to see you smiling…as I hid my face beneath the sheets.

I no longer felt your weight on me as I hid underneath the cloth…

So I threw up the sheets and was upset to see that you were now gone…

The days drag on and it’s always the same routine….

I think you’re there, I FEEL you’re there….

But it’s only ever a dream…

I’m slowly starting to lose sight of the person I use to be,

because the only time that I could ever be myself…

was when you were here with me…

I’ve lost sight of reality…

how do I know when you’re truly there if my eyes continue to deceive me?

….I just wish you were here…

I need you… I miss you…and now I have lost my mind…

because losing you…was always my biggest fear.

You Drove me to INSANITY.

You’re no longer who you used to be.

You’re no longer the man who was once in love with me…

You turned and walked away and when your friends asked about why you left, you said, “She’s crazy”.

But am I crazy? Am I truly insane? Well, now maybe I am, because all of the words you said to me and behind my back, are now all stuck in my brain.

I was happy, and I was nice to everyone….

and now look at what you have done…

I cry every night…because I feel so stupid for all the times that I believed in your LIES….

but they aren’t lies…right?…

because I’m the one who’s mentally ill…

yet you’re the one who obsessed over me, you’re the one who would never leave me be…

yet I STILL love you…

I wake up to 23 missed calls from you at 7:am on a weekend…

The reasoning behind your obsessive calling?… Your “text message wouldn’t send”. …

but no…I’m the one who needs help…

because I screamed at you when you said you hated me…because i chose not to whisper, but to YELL.

So tell your friends that I’m submitted to a mental hospital…

because after all…..you’re the one who got me here…

I Never Give UP.

I will never give up.

He says he’s hurt, that he can’t take the pain anymore…

I tell him I’ve been down that road before, and look at me now…

I chose not to quit and somehow… things began to change,

Change for the better, I promised him “Things won’t always be this way.”

I promised him that no matter how many people came and left…

That i would ALWAYS STAY.

Day after day….I talked him through tears

Day after day….for a whole two years!…

He was my number 1 priority….

But when he would look at me…the effort is not what he would see…

He said he saw the future. He said I would leave, just like he and she did…

Just like him and her…

He said I would forget…that I would move on…Then he continued with…

“But i’m not that strong…”

I saw him begin to break…slowly losing himself.

There was nothing I could do, I tried my best to help…but…

In the end, I sat back and watched as he slowly turned into someone else…

Eventually we began to speak less and less…

I watched from afar, as he was eaten alive by his own anxiety and stress…

and i told myself that, “This was for the best…”

I GAVE UP on him…

and because I did him wrong…He’s now GONE.

I listen to the songs we used to sing…

and i MISS him.

He said I’d forget…

But it has been years since he left and I still haven’t yet!

…and I cry EVERY night…

Because I neglected him…I should have been there for him when he was still ALIVE….

But now he’s gone…and all my promises were lies…

And at some point we all give up…

And at some point…EVERYONE dies…some earlier than others…

And now I think that now is my time…

So I face the world, with tears in my eyes….and I say.. “Goodbye.”

JUST FRIENDS.

I want you so badly…

I’m staying faithful to someone I don’t have…Someone I’ll never have…

Out of everyone who has wanted me, why do I want you?

At this point, I don’t think we will ever be together so…

What do I do?…

The future that I look to now is of me and you…YOU and ME….

We are HAPPY…

But this vision won’t become a reality… will it?

Nothing more than friends…. FRIENDS is all we will ever be…

Right?

We can skype every single night, say every sweet thought that crosses our minds…

But “friends” is what we are.

And although it’ll be hard…

FRIENDS is what we will stay…

I can only hope for more than that…So I’ll just keep telling myself…

“Maybe one day.”

I loved his personality…but i HATED everything else.

I loved him. I loved so much about him, from the way he stuttered nervously while trying to speak to me, to the way he smiled when we got into tickle fights…. but i HATED everything else. I hated everything else about him besides his personality. I hated the way he breathed, i got angry when he called me on the phone, I got annoyed by his touch, i got aggravated by his scent. No, I did not hate these things because i found them themselves to be annoying, but i hated them because HE was the one doing them.

It’s only with him. It is only when he did these things, that it annoyed me to the point of screaming at him to LEAVE ME ALONE. Now looking back, I realize that the way I  treated him when i got aggravated with him, was wrong… I wasn’t aware of how awfully i treated him. Well, i guess i kind of understood how much i mistreated him, but at the time, i felt as if he deserved it. I felt as though what he was doing to me, was pure evil. That every little thing he did, was to annoy me, to push me over the edge. It’s only now that I realize just how much he wanted to make me happy…

He sacrificed SO MUCH…just to make me smile….and i NEVER even thanked him for how hard he was trying. I made him out to be the bad guy, i made HIM out to be insane, when in actuality, it was ME. I guess we all go through a time in which we feel pretty low. We all have done things that we regret, and  i will NEVER fully forgive myself for the way i treated him. I have apologized, which is saying a lot considering I’m normally too stubborn to apologize and take fault, so I guess you can see that i felt pretty damn bad…

But even though i miss him so so SO much…i will never allow myself to be his friend again. I will NEVER allow myself to be as close with him as we once were, in fear of making the same mistakes i once did. He deserves better. He and I just simply are bad for each other…

Like fire and water…we can never touch, because if we do, we both will end up getting hurt.

Goodbye </3