I Never Give UP.

I will never give up.

He says he’s hurt, that he can’t take the pain anymore…

I tell him I’ve been down that road before, and look at me now…

I chose not to quit and somehow… things began to change,

Change for the better, I promised him “Things won’t always be this way.”

I promised him that no matter how many people came and left…

That i would ALWAYS STAY.

Day after day….I talked him through tears

Day after day….for a whole two years!…

He was my number 1 priority….

But when he would look at me…the effort is not what he would see…

He said he saw the future. He said I would leave, just like he and she did…

Just like him and her…

He said I would forget…that I would move on…Then he continued with…

“But i’m not that strong…”

I saw him begin to break…slowly losing himself.

There was nothing I could do, I tried my best to help…but…

In the end, I sat back and watched as he slowly turned into someone else…

Eventually we began to speak less and less…

I watched from afar, as he was eaten alive by his own anxiety and stress…

and i told myself that, “This was for the best…”

I GAVE UP on him…

and because I did him wrong…He’s now GONE.

I listen to the songs we used to sing…

and i MISS him.

He said I’d forget…

But it has been years since he left and I still haven’t yet!

…and I cry EVERY night…

Because I neglected him…I should have been there for him when he was still ALIVE….

But now he’s gone…and all my promises were lies…

And at some point we all give up…

And at some point…EVERYONE dies…some earlier than others…

And now I think that now is my time…

So I face the world, with tears in my eyes….and I say.. “Goodbye.”

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JUST FRIENDS.

I want you so badly…

I’m staying faithful to someone I don’t have…Someone I’ll never have…

Out of everyone who has wanted me, why do I want you?

At this point, I don’t think we will ever be together so…

What do I do?…

The future that I look to now is of me and you…YOU and ME….

We are HAPPY…

But this vision won’t become a reality… will it?

Nothing more than friends…. FRIENDS is all we will ever be…

Right?

We can skype every single night, say every sweet thought that crosses our minds…

But “friends” is what we are.

And although it’ll be hard…

FRIENDS is what we will stay…

I can only hope for more than that…So I’ll just keep telling myself…

“Maybe one day.”

I’m SORRY

The memories of our past, are eating at me inside…and the girl you helped me to be? ..she has already died…Because I was feeding you lies while i tried to discover myself and the one person who downed my abuse was YOU…nobody else..

You were there when i was scared…and you helped me through when i wasn’t prepared to take on the world…You…YOU saved me. You helped me to be who I was always supposed to be but then I got lost in all of this insanity but I told myself DAY AFTER DAY that it was HEALTHY…That what i was doing was okay…

You were the greatest friend I ever had, and everytime i got sad, i got MAD. I got mad at YOU and I blamed you for the truth that i was afraid to accept…yet…

I did not mean to make you break… All of the anger that i directed towards you was a mistake , it was UNFAIR…and despite everything that I put you through you still CARE…or do you?

I took you and threw you way beyond the breaking point…I locked you up in a cage and poked and stabbed for days upon days…

Once I had finally broken who you were…knowing how badly I had hurt you, I still had the NERVE to swerve the blame on you..

All I can do now is apologize for how badly i had hurt you and how many times i had lied…

And you sit there in the skin that I created….

….As I lay back in a personality that has now faded…

The Internet.

I spent most of my free time alone, in my room, at my computer. I’d watch youtube videos, search for funny websites, gaming websites. I just wanted to pass the time.

I was never good at making friends so finally when i was 12, i decided to play my first online game, in hopes that people would get to know my personality before judging me by my appearance. It was called Onverse.

I met this boy, he was around 16 years old. We became best friends.

When i was 12, i had no friends, my family was never that close either. We fought a LOT. We never got along, and the words “I hate you.” were used on a daily basis….even some crueler words…. like, “I wish you would die.”

Now when you’re a 12 year old girl, having your mother tell you that she wished you would die, can be heart breaking. This is where that boy came in.

He was my only friend at the time, and in fact, we still talk to this very day. He had made me feel like i was wanted. Like the fact that i existed, was a miracle. Though we have known each other for many years, and still talk,  we have not been able to meet, because sadly, he lives on the other side of the world…

At the age of 17, after having lost all of my close friends, and my first love, i resorted back to the internet, but this time, i used an app called “MeetMe”. This app was more for meeting new people, rather than playing mini games and embarking on quests like in Onverse. Also, this app had an age filter, and helped you to meet people in your own location.

Now of course, my parents were not aware that i was using such an app, but that didn’t stop me.

I met this kid, Johnathan. We had not been talking long, but i decided to meet up with him. I had hated my life at the time and most mornings when i woke up, my first thought was “I hope i die today.” So meeting up with Johnathan was more of a death wish, because he had seemed like a dangerous reckless guy.

He arrived with his friends and i got into his car and we drove for about an hour until we arrived at his place. I walk into his house, with things all over the floors and up into his dark small room. He told me to have a seat on his couch, and so i did.

I waited as he scrambled around his room, picking things up and moving things around. I spotted a knife in the corner of his room. It was about the length of my entire arm. I was afraid.

He comes over to me and sits down. He looks at me and says,

“So, you told me you enjoyed kids movies, and so i picked up this movie, and got us snacks, and set it all up.”

This guy that seemed so intimidating, ended up cuddling me as we watched a child’s movie and i ended up falling asleep on his chest.

I woke up a while later and he had not moved a muscle, in fear of waking me.

Johnathan had saved my life. He was there for me when everyone else left. He had showed me that not everyone is bad.

People say that the internet is a bad untrustworthy place, and sure while that can be true, it doesn’t mean it always has to be that way. You just have to look in the right places, look for the right people.

I have met some amazing people on the internet that have changed my life, completely turned me around. I have changed for the better, because of the guidance of some of the most amazing people, that i have met on the INTERNET.

I loved his personality…but i HATED everything else.

I loved him. I loved so much about him, from the way he stuttered nervously while trying to speak to me, to the way he smiled when we got into tickle fights…. but i HATED everything else. I hated everything else about him besides his personality. I hated the way he breathed, i got angry when he called me on the phone, I got annoyed by his touch, i got aggravated by his scent. No, I did not hate these things because i found them themselves to be annoying, but i hated them because HE was the one doing them.

It’s only with him. It is only when he did these things, that it annoyed me to the point of screaming at him to LEAVE ME ALONE. Now looking back, I realize that the way I  treated him when i got aggravated with him, was wrong… I wasn’t aware of how awfully i treated him. Well, i guess i kind of understood how much i mistreated him, but at the time, i felt as if he deserved it. I felt as though what he was doing to me, was pure evil. That every little thing he did, was to annoy me, to push me over the edge. It’s only now that I realize just how much he wanted to make me happy…

He sacrificed SO MUCH…just to make me smile….and i NEVER even thanked him for how hard he was trying. I made him out to be the bad guy, i made HIM out to be insane, when in actuality, it was ME. I guess we all go through a time in which we feel pretty low. We all have done things that we regret, and  i will NEVER fully forgive myself for the way i treated him. I have apologized, which is saying a lot considering I’m normally too stubborn to apologize and take fault, so I guess you can see that i felt pretty damn bad…

But even though i miss him so so SO much…i will never allow myself to be his friend again. I will NEVER allow myself to be as close with him as we once were, in fear of making the same mistakes i once did. He deserves better. He and I just simply are bad for each other…

Like fire and water…we can never touch, because if we do, we both will end up getting hurt.

Goodbye </3