Who am I…

I’ve lost my motivation to write.

     I sit down in front of a piece of paper for 4 hours. I get comfortable in my seat, rest a pen between my fingers, and stare down at the lines in which I’ll write my thoughts…but nothing comes to mind.

I have so much to say, so many stories to tell, but how do I get all my words down when you were my only motivation to do so?

You were my words. You were the thoughts that spilled through my brain, the ink that leaked onto the pages. You were my hands, guiding the pen across the page.

You made me. You were my motivation to read, the reason behind my smile, the warmth on a cold day, the chills I felt at night. You were my crutch, my reason for getting out of bed every morning.

….You made me into who I was..and now you’re gone.

I’m left as nothing more than an empty shell…confused, lost, unsure of who she is. Where do I go? What am I supposed to do? Who am I? Why should I get out of bed? Why should I eat healthy? Why should I take care of myself?

You made up half of who I was…so with you gone..I’m forced to face myself..and I’m not really sure who I am.

I won’t forget…

I know people that say, “I try to forget the past, and look to the future.”…

But I don’t want to forget the past, and neither should anyone.

The past is what shaped us into the person that we are today and that is why I keep a box of your stuff underneath my bed. That’s why I keep your letters in a folder hidden in my closet. That’s why I FORCE myself to remember….to remember you…to remember us…

It’s hard, and maybe I would be happier if i forgot you, but then I would forget who I was, and not realize how much progress I have made.

I fought HARD, for years. I didn’t fight just to forget.

Although sometimes it’s hard, I remember you. I take out the box, that’s filled with your stuff, and I remind myself of the person I used to be and of the person that you once were…..

and sometimes i cry…..

but I cannot forget you, because you and I were as close as I had ever felt with anybody I had ever met. You were a part of who I was, and I was a part of you….and when I lost you, i lost part of myself, and it took me forever to fill that emptiness inside that you had left me with.

It’s hard to forget you, because if I did, I’d be forgetting everything… All the time we had spent together, all of the things we had done, all of the stuff we went through…

So I will FORCE myself to remember…even if at sometimes I don’t want to, because it may be too painful. And I may cry, and I may miss you, but I will become stronger. Every time you cross my mind, I gain strength…because if I can make it through losing half of who I was, then I can make it through anything.

So I WON’T forget…

She was Trapped Within Herself

She told lies so much that eventually, they became the truth. She no longer knew what the truth was. She became consumed in her lies. She fell face first, with a blind fold, directly into the pit in which she dug herself, only to be buried by the new persona she had created. She didn’t mean for things to stretch this far, but the lies built on, one after the other. It’s like she had been pushed, and now all she could do was fall, there was no way back.

She had become a different person, but the person that she had been was still stuck inside of her, stuck in the body of who she physically was, but not spiritually. She had slowly faded into the deep depths of her own mind, only to come out late at night, when she was alone and vulnerable. She was lost, lost inside of her own skin, witnessing the horrors she brought upon herself and not being able to do anything about it.

She watched from up close, yet so far, as she herself had ruined everything that she had worked so hard for. She watched herself turn into something that she promised she would never be. It’s a difficult thing, to become the monster that you had always feared, to have to witness you lose your own mind. She wasn’t in control of her own body, only her thoughts. She drifted into her head, because that was the only place that she could be herself.

On the outside, she had already been taken over by this being that she feared. She was screaming constantly yet nobody ever heard. Her eyes darted around the room, making eye contact, hoping that someone would notice that she needs help. Her eyes were the windows to the person that she truly was. As she walked around, communicating with others everyday, she was breaking inside, trying to keep alive what little was left of her.

False Reality

Last night when I laid down to sleep,

I felt your breathe on the back of my neck…

I felt your hands resting on my hips…

I turned around, but to my surprise…

I did not meet your lips.

The air suddenly turned cold as I stared beside me.

I reached out for you to hold, but my arms remained empty…

I closed my eyes as i tried to bring to life your memory

of the day I laid in your arms, and listened to you breathe.

This morning I woke up and felt a kiss on the cheek.

I turned my head to see you smiling…as I hid my face beneath the sheets.

I no longer felt your weight on me as I hid underneath the cloth…

So I threw up the sheets and was upset to see that you were now gone…

The days drag on and it’s always the same routine….

I think you’re there, I FEEL you’re there….

But it’s only ever a dream…

I’m slowly starting to lose sight of the person I use to be,

because the only time that I could ever be myself…

was when you were here with me…

I’ve lost sight of reality…

how do I know when you’re truly there if my eyes continue to deceive me?

….I just wish you were here…

I need you… I miss you…and now I have lost my mind…

because losing you…was always my biggest fear.

You Drove me to INSANITY.

You’re no longer who you used to be.

You’re no longer the man who was once in love with me…

You turned and walked away and when your friends asked about why you left, you said, “She’s crazy”.

But am I crazy? Am I truly insane? Well, now maybe I am, because all of the words you said to me and behind my back, are now all stuck in my brain.

I was happy, and I was nice to everyone….

and now look at what you have done…

I cry every night…because I feel so stupid for all the times that I believed in your LIES….

but they aren’t lies…right?…

because I’m the one who’s mentally ill…

yet you’re the one who obsessed over me, you’re the one who would never leave me be…

yet I STILL love you…

I wake up to 23 missed calls from you at 7:am on a weekend…

The reasoning behind your obsessive calling?… Your “text message wouldn’t send”. …

but no…I’m the one who needs help…

because I screamed at you when you said you hated me…because i chose not to whisper, but to YELL.

So tell your friends that I’m submitted to a mental hospital…

because after all…..you’re the one who got me here…