You were toxic

I’m sick of the sound of broken glass crashing to the floor with photographs of everything I once had before…blood pouring out of open wounds soon to be healed but the scars remain…and each scar changes us…

Trust is lost….lust is found…tied down by profound selfish thoughts…caught wishing things could be different…

I’m tired of not being able to see…see the evil within the ones I love…I’m tired of not being enough for all of them…especially when they make me feel like it’s my fault…but it’s time to take back my life. They’re wrong…being strong suites me..

 

Who am I…

I’ve lost my motivation to write.

     I sit down in front of a piece of paper for 4 hours. I get comfortable in my seat, rest a pen between my fingers, and stare down at the lines in which I’ll write my thoughts…but nothing comes to mind.

I have so much to say, so many stories to tell, but how do I get all my words down when you were my only motivation to do so?

You were my words. You were the thoughts that spilled through my brain, the ink that leaked onto the pages. You were my hands, guiding the pen across the page.

You made me. You were my motivation to read, the reason behind my smile, the warmth on a cold day, the chills I felt at night. You were my crutch, my reason for getting out of bed every morning.

….You made me into who I was..and now you’re gone.

I’m left as nothing more than an empty shell…confused, lost, unsure of who she is. Where do I go? What am I supposed to do? Who am I? Why should I get out of bed? Why should I eat healthy? Why should I take care of myself?

You made up half of who I was…so with you gone..I’m forced to face myself..and I’m not really sure who I am.

I won’t forget…

I know people that say, “I try to forget the past, and look to the future.”…

But I don’t want to forget the past, and neither should anyone.

The past is what shaped us into the person that we are today and that is why I keep a box of your stuff underneath my bed. That’s why I keep your letters in a folder hidden in my closet. That’s why I FORCE myself to remember….to remember you…to remember us…

It’s hard, and maybe I would be happier if i forgot you, but then I would forget who I was, and not realize how much progress I have made.

I fought HARD, for years. I didn’t fight just to forget.

Although sometimes it’s hard, I remember you. I take out the box, that’s filled with your stuff, and I remind myself of the person I used to be and of the person that you once were…..

and sometimes i cry…..

but I cannot forget you, because you and I were as close as I had ever felt with anybody I had ever met. You were a part of who I was, and I was a part of you….and when I lost you, i lost part of myself, and it took me forever to fill that emptiness inside that you had left me with.

It’s hard to forget you, because if I did, I’d be forgetting everything… All the time we had spent together, all of the things we had done, all of the stuff we went through…

So I will FORCE myself to remember…even if at sometimes I don’t want to, because it may be too painful. And I may cry, and I may miss you, but I will become stronger. Every time you cross my mind, I gain strength…because if I can make it through losing half of who I was, then I can make it through anything.

So I WON’T forget…